There has actually been good stuff happening recently..........

30th August 2012 - the day I turned 46!

Lovely breakfast, scrambled egg, salmon, toast and coffee to drink. Cards & presies. Took Misty out and just chilled with Paula.

Later, Rosie and Grand Kids popped round and we had fun.......(photos to follow as for other days)...............Paula's cake she made me was feckin' awesome.

31st Aug. Lunch with my Mum and her Husband Don, nice chap, and my daughter Heather, who is at Uni Southampton studying journalism.

Had a great meal Mo Mambo Terminus Rd, Al Fresco (had coffee on the seafront earlier - Paula and I).........

Paula went to a wedding that night (Dr Sam, nice lady).........

Saturday 1st Sept.....my first EVER rugby match (spectator) at Twickenham Stadium. It was mind blowing and fun.

Met up with some of Paula's family (aunt, uncle, cousins etc), had food and drink and roared as poor old Wasps gave their lead away to Harlequins who won.

Sadly, Saracens and London Irish were, quite frankly, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz and others agreed and left like we did.

Long and tiring journey home. Packed too. But we slept well.

Sunday was a day for not doing much, oh we went shopping...........hee hee

So that was my weekend, in brief..............had counselling Monday and will do 10th Sept and 1st Oct then bi-weekly.

I also visited NHS health trainers to get advice re weight loss........watch this space!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know you’re there, I can see your shadow.

Padding, panting and salivating in eager anticipation of a hearty meal. Not today Baskerville!

The scars on my arm are still there from when you last sank those horrific teeth into them.

The inner scars are also mending and I will fight you, my nemesis my not so friendly ‘Best Friend of Man’.

One might argue it’s the tablets, prescription and over the counter (pain killers) that are causing me to hallucinate.

But I say it’s you! Black Dog, stealer of lives and souls. Is Satan your Master I wonder?

Baskerville takes two forms. That of a normal snarling Black Dog, the predator, the ‘scout’, the searcher of an

Opportunity to strike. The second, is more akin to an Alien (with teeth like H R Gieger’s nightmarish creation).

The teeth are the last thing you see and feel as the darkness envelopes you. Oddly, there is no pain, only a strange relief

as the blood runs down one’s arm. The pain comes from the embarrassment that you allowed yourself to be caught.

Therein lies the worst of the feelings. Knowing you’ve been caught, the inquisition from family and friends and the inevitable

question – WHY?

Pretty dumb and insensitive actually – one cannot answer ‘why’ as one doesn’t know ‘WHY’……….if we knew ‘WHY’ we could

try and do something about it!

To be fair to the aforementioned family and friends, it’s not easy for them to understand BUT, they need to at least appreciate the

terrible pain that the ‘sufferer’ is going through.

I try to explain that I’m endeavouring to make sense of the present by studying the past and they seem to think I’m ‘having a dig’ at them.

This is blatantly untrue and I have said this.

Most of my ‘issues’ stem from childhood, particularly school.

More to follow…………..

So, bed around 10.30pm as Paula working, so hard to sleep - ok I forgot my magic pill but didn't tell her - she'd be cross......

My beautiful cuddly cat Tilly decided around 2.40am to wake me up to go out.....jeez!!!!

Back to sleep after..........then some screeching banshee bitch queen outside decided to row with her boyfriend. Not walking along, oh no, right outside our house. Something about 'I've got money for the fucking cab', to which I wanted to shout out 'WELL GET A FUCKING TAXI THEN'..........plus I wanted to commit serious physical harm too...........this was by 4am and my alarm goes off at 4.45........but around 4.40 I got up, made coffee, washed and dressed and took the dog for a walk...........now.....I'm bloody tired........early to bed as Paula working tonight and I MUST take my magic pill...............zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Misery and depression and the desire to die..................................life is so meaningless don't you find.

When Baskerville finds me I just want to let it quickly devour me, to get it over and done with, as painlessly as possible.

Somehow, I evade the fucking bastard..............who I've discovered is actually the Death Hound of Satan himself............the foul Red God who has another purpose for me...........I evade you too............for now................

So, I have been rowing lots with Paula, it's not fair on her............sometimes I think I should leave her to spare her more pain. How sorrowful that one's 'love', spouse and partner should suffer, as do family and friends.............I just want to run away to somewhere where no one will find me...........to spare everyone the tormented demon that's struggling to get out of me.........frightening.

Even the new 'wonderful' Quetiapine isn't helping to be honest............maybe I'm cursed to just be ME................

well, in no particular order........

Saw the psych man, he said 'no to bipolar' but has put me on Quetiapine, initially 50mg for 3 days, then 100mg for 7.

well, I tripped big time on the first 100 and went and saw my GP who's put me on a slow release 50mg - I feel better for it.

My memory problems are increasing and it's a bit scary plus I get confused.........

Won a new iphone and am enjoying playing with it....nerd that I am oh and still reading Game of Thrones.

I have depression - hang on a minute, I'm 45 and on my 2nd marriage. Life generally is average so what the hell went on.......?

It's funny that, via counselling and self analysis, I have come to realise that I've actually always been this way!

Perhaps eccentric, perhaps lively and overly optimistic - well certainly not any more ......... right now, most of the time anyway, I feel

life in general is utterly hopeless. Quite literally EVERYTHING goes wrong and I'd rather shut myself away and be left alone.

I have also come to realise that I have, on and off, self harmed. From rubbing my hands against walls or scratching or biting nails to the point of bleeding to now actually ripping up a discarded fizzy drinks can and raking it down my arms to draw copious amounts of blood.............that was Father's day.

But since then, I've refrained and have had fewer urges than before. I still feel down and up and have been told by my Wife that I'm still manic.

But am I? Am I actually depressed. I see others 'react' far more than I do to minor things and yet I'm labelled as 'depressed' 'manic' and probably in need of 'help'!

What's the benchmark test for depression etc?

If anything, I'm more concerned about my confused state of mind. Forgetfulness, tiredness, head pains, blurred vision and a huge amount of confusion - what am I doing in this shop, what did I want, why did I come upstairs, why am I doing things wrong, why can't I remember anything without notes etc?????

As a man, I am cursed to be regarded as 'should just get on with it' and 'man up' or 'grow a set'......well, I'm sensitive and thoughtful, deeply passionate, caring and loving....and I cry! So there.......

I was so repressed my entire life and told my Counsellor and GP that it felt like a 'Pandora's Box' had exploded open.........now, you're possibly thinking.....at the bottom of the box was HOPE..... Well, we shall see...........

Right now, I'm on Citalopram (Anti Depressants) I do yoga, sit ups and job when I can. I love reading (Game of Thrones at the moment), love listening to an eclectic amount of music and being with my Wife (Paula) and our pets - oh and walking the dog and going to the beach.

I'm on my 2nd marriage and separated from my adulterous Wife BEFORE I met my 2nd Wife.......my 2 children from marriage #1 tend, for reasons I'll never fathom, to favour 'Mummy'..........needless to say, they have been poisoned against me......I sometimes see my daughter (who's at University) but my Son doesn't speak to me. Again!

Paula's daughters have welcomed me, despite she and I having had an 'affair' and I engage with the grand children by her eldest daughter.

I am trying to regenerate my writing, having written for a previous drama group I ran......my plays were pretty good ;-)

Blogging is a start and any articles I can get up and running. I do want to write scripts again (film, tv and theatre) and anything else I can.

I doubt I'd earn money but hey ho.......

So what's the way forward?? At this point.......that's a bit too ambitious to consider at this time.......but I think it best I take one day at a time!

OK...........I am following, mostly via Twitter, the Olympics................am not impressed with absence of gold, but.......see how we do.

Happiness...........been very down of late.............been difficult at home.............lots to think about!!!!!!!!!!!

Still enjoying Game of Thrones books.........am almost at the end of book 3..........am obsessed........................

Looking to blog more but need to kick my arse.

Counselling, making progress. Psych appt 16th Aug.

Lots of changes coming for me.................I can't say anything just yet.

Yoga is going swell too............loving it.............

Depression and self harming age 45 - I ask you!

But, upon recollection via my counsellor and voluntary memory accessing I realise I have done it on and off all my life!

Initially, during childhood, as a coping mechanism for bullying (I wore glasses, was overweight - a recurring theme, and had a stammer) perfect fodder for the bastards to get me!

Despite great endeavours, making friends was difficult and I therefore shut myself away in imaginary land!

Whether drawing, playing with cars or constructing with lego or forming my own stories, mostly sci-f, nothing made me happier than being alone.

Eventually, I put away such childish things and grew up, left school started work, married once and had kids, married a second time and BANG!

The 'Black Dog' came back with a vengeance - having surfaced periodically during adulthood.

Now, I am trapped and know that, if I leave the safe confines of my mind, it will get me and won't rest until I'm severely scarred or dead!

I had a though re my constant need to self harm (cut/scratch my arm till it bleeds), and shared it with my counsellor.

Until I am 'well in myself', I cannot let the scars on my arm heal - like a metaphor perhaps?

Sadly, the mental health service in England is poorly underfunded but internet groups like 'Black Dog Tribe' are a great help. Family and friends suffer as they don't know what to do or say and to be confronted with a loved one intent on bloodying themselves, sometimes to the terminal degree, must be so difficult.

Writing about it helps tremendously, but trying to formulate the words into tangible sense is often difficult.

So what does the future hold?

More counselling, anti depressants and every effort to provide positive mental and physical therapy - I'm even doing yoga, jogging and sit ups!

Having 'come out' about my depression, I feel like a veritable 'Pandora's Box' has opened up.

I feel like I have no control over my life and that everyone else can express themselves but I have to be strait jacketed by convention.

Deal with it, I have something to say, I am me and I am desperate to be heard.

Accept me, don't stigmatise me - I can be your friend if you'll let me.

I have friends who must remain anonymous who have helped too.

Rob

This was also written onto my page at the following website....https://www.helium.com/content/whatishelium

Updates coming. Apologies for delay - had a slight blip the other day.

Lovely Father's day with my daughter Heather - pics to follow.

But miss my Son and one thing or another also on my mind and I ended being very sad.

Don't really want to go into it just now.......but feeling very positive today and really trying to escae the BLACK DOG........

Firstly, we had Paula's Grandchildren stay over Friday night which was fabulous. Today, Saturday I got sad and cried - perhaps I should explain.

Tomorrow is Father's day and I got upset because my Son Marcus doesn't speak to me (long story) and I'm excited at seeing my daughter Heather tomorrow, even though we don't always see much or get on. She is busy studying journalism at Southampton University and I'm beyond proud of her.

We're meeting up in Brighton, so it's great she's coming over - owing to my depression etc. I can't face going over there.

When you have kids and divorce, you lose out on so much and ending a sad relationship is NEVER a decision to be taken lightly.

So on days like Father's day, I get sad and cry. There are things that can prompt this.......for example, JCB Song by Nizlopi - go and watch on You Tube and you'll hopefully understand.

Having Paula's Grandchildren round is good but I know that I'll never that 'happy fun atmosphere etc' with my own Grandchildren, should either Heather or Marcus decide to have kids. I doubt I'd be allowed to have them over. So I envy Paula what she has and that she CAN share them with me. They call me Robi, not GranDad or Grampa because I'm NOT and don't wish to be. What we have is perfect and I don't want that to change...............I also care for her girls, Grace and Rosie but I'm 'Robi' to them too and always will be............

Paula's working tonight - doing what we call a 'Twiglet' shift - actually a Twilight, 7pm to 1am the following morning. So I'm using the time to prattle on.

I'm also listening to the new Amy Macdonald album...........Life in a beautiful light...............go and listen.............

So, busy times ahead, got urology follow up Monday and a counselling appt in the afternoon and back to work Tuesday...........

I am sort of happy at work, but I am bored and cannot believe that they're not interested in embracing social media. FFS every company has a facebook and twitter page...............their loss, which is why I never mention them............

Roll on payday...............