One Day At A Time.....

I have depression - hang on a minute, I'm 45 and on my 2nd marriage. Life generally is average so what the hell went on.......?

It's funny that, via counselling and self analysis, I have come to realise that I've actually always been this way!

Perhaps eccentric, perhaps lively and overly optimistic - well certainly not any more ......... right now, most of the time anyway, I feel

life in general is utterly hopeless. Quite literally EVERYTHING goes wrong and I'd rather shut myself away and be left alone.

I have also come to realise that I have, on and off, self harmed. From rubbing my hands against walls or scratching or biting nails to the point of bleeding to now actually ripping up a discarded fizzy drinks can and raking it down my arms to draw copious amounts of blood.............that was Father's day.

But since then, I've refrained and have had fewer urges than before. I still feel down and up and have been told by my Wife that I'm still manic.

But am I? Am I actually depressed. I see others 'react' far more than I do to minor things and yet I'm labelled as 'depressed' 'manic' and probably in need of 'help'!

What's the benchmark test for depression etc?

If anything, I'm more concerned about my confused state of mind. Forgetfulness, tiredness, head pains, blurred vision and a huge amount of confusion - what am I doing in this shop, what did I want, why did I come upstairs, why am I doing things wrong, why can't I remember anything without notes etc?????

As a man, I am cursed to be regarded as 'should just get on with it' and 'man up' or 'grow a set'......well, I'm sensitive and thoughtful, deeply passionate, caring and loving....and I cry! So there.......

I was so repressed my entire life and told my Counsellor and GP that it felt like a 'Pandora's Box' had exploded open.........now, you're possibly thinking.....at the bottom of the box was HOPE..... Well, we shall see...........

Right now, I'm on Citalopram (Anti Depressants) I do yoga, sit ups and job when I can. I love reading (Game of Thrones at the moment), love listening to an eclectic amount of music and being with my Wife (Paula) and our pets - oh and walking the dog and going to the beach.

I'm on my 2nd marriage and separated from my adulterous Wife BEFORE I met my 2nd Wife.......my 2 children from marriage #1 tend, for reasons I'll never fathom, to favour 'Mummy'..........needless to say, they have been poisoned against me......I sometimes see my daughter (who's at University) but my Son doesn't speak to me. Again!

Paula's daughters have welcomed me, despite she and I having had an 'affair' and I engage with the grand children by her eldest daughter.

I am trying to regenerate my writing, having written for a previous drama group I ran......my plays were pretty good ;-)

Blogging is a start and any articles I can get up and running. I do want to write scripts again (film, tv and theatre) and anything else I can.

I doubt I'd earn money but hey ho.......

So what's the way forward?? At this point.......that's a bit too ambitious to consider at this time.......but I think it best I take one day at a time!