Just me........

Depression and self harming age 45 - I ask you!

But, upon recollection via my counsellor and voluntary memory accessing I realise I have done it on and off all my life!

Initially, during childhood, as a coping mechanism for bullying (I wore glasses, was overweight - a recurring theme, and had a stammer) perfect fodder for the bastards to get me!

Despite great endeavours, making friends was difficult and I therefore shut myself away in imaginary land!

Whether drawing, playing with cars or constructing with lego or forming my own stories, mostly sci-f, nothing made me happier than being alone.

Eventually, I put away such childish things and grew up, left school started work, married once and had kids, married a second time and BANG!

The 'Black Dog' came back with a vengeance - having surfaced periodically during adulthood.

Now, I am trapped and know that, if I leave the safe confines of my mind, it will get me and won't rest until I'm severely scarred or dead!

I had a though re my constant need to self harm (cut/scratch my arm till it bleeds), and shared it with my counsellor.

Until I am 'well in myself', I cannot let the scars on my arm heal - like a metaphor perhaps?

Sadly, the mental health service in England is poorly underfunded but internet groups like 'Black Dog Tribe' are a great help. Family and friends suffer as they don't know what to do or say and to be confronted with a loved one intent on bloodying themselves, sometimes to the terminal degree, must be so difficult.

Writing about it helps tremendously, but trying to formulate the words into tangible sense is often difficult.

So what does the future hold?

More counselling, anti depressants and every effort to provide positive mental and physical therapy - I'm even doing yoga, jogging and sit ups!

Having 'come out' about my depression, I feel like a veritable 'Pandora's Box' has opened up.

I feel like I have no control over my life and that everyone else can express themselves but I have to be strait jacketed by convention.

Deal with it, I have something to say, I am me and I am desperate to be heard.

Accept me, don't stigmatise me - I can be your friend if you'll let me.

I have friends who must remain anonymous who have helped too.

Rob

This was also written onto my page at the following website....https://www.helium.com/content/whatishelium