Hosepipe ban lifted - fuck my old boots.......like I can water my garden anyway with all the rain we've had......

My head is still hurting, feels like pressure, like something's pushing down and the dizziness, is like someone has dipped a teaspoon in and stirred it around like a cup of tea.......very disconcerting.

Been looking up hotels for our anniversary in September (only 4 years but seems a lot longer)......jeez so expensive but I guess it's worth it.

Won't be 'romantic' in the physical sense but hey ho..........but at least I have kindred spirit friend who suffers similar to me and we exchange thoughts and ideas.

Watched ALIEN again last night - awesome film - roll on PROMETHEUS - despite the moaners........

That's all folks, more will follow.........now for copious amounts of pain killers..........at least I have eye test on 23rd June, who knows, they may see into my soul and see what's wrong........

So, yesterday.....felt sooooooo agitated, angry, jumpy and like I had ants instead of blood in my veins. Spoke lots to counsellor and nearly cried. She said I seemed angry, maybe coz every other tom dick and fanny can express their rage, but oh not me, I have to keep it calm - well fuck you! Then the GP, I asked my Wife Paula to come to give the GP her perspective - and that ended up making me cry then and there - not easy to hear all that I heard - which I won't repeat by the way......so we went home, I cried more and slept badly again. Today I still feel like a worthless piece of shit........so really, what IS the fucking point anymore?

2nd full day back at work and bloody knackered! Roll on the weekend. Feeling a bit flat today but hey ho. Trying to get my head around writing some story ideas and have struck up a friendship with an amateur illustrator, hopefully we'll produce something successful.

Good old Twitter - better than Facebook.

Read an article on Exercise & Depression - it says no benefits, I say Bollox, it does - so there!!!!

1st, I watched Iron Sky - omfg it's fffffffffrickin' awesome...........whacky and tongue in cheek but oh such good fun. Watch it people!

2nd, I have a kindred spirit for a friend - they'll know who they are when they read this. Theirs is a beautiful, creative soul who suffers like me and I'm so glad we've become friends.........

3rd, Stuffed peppers tonight.......red wine too and Eurovision Final!!!!!!!!!!!!

4th, I got first two Iron Throne books from Tesco, buy one for £7 get the other free - come on, bargain or what?

That is all, now to head into the sun..........not the proverbial..............d'uh!!!

So, it's been a while...........at the moment, I'm in a nowhere place..........but I have new scratches..........I just canno fight this stupid urge to constantly scar my arm......wtf is wrong with me????????????      Also, today, I feel so CBA and energy less........

It's so hard on Paula, I know I'm bringing her down and snapping and I feel she'd be better off without me.......I have 2 weeks left till I have to resume work and I'm scared to death of going on my own on the bus for 2 hours..........I just know I'll get off and wander around. Sometimes I feel like poor old Zak Dingle on Emmerdale, they're doing that well btw..........

Typing is hard, I have so much to say but sometimes can't be bothered........it's like I just want to sleep (not sleep) eat/drink but 'not'.......or just watch stuff so I don't have to do anything..........I hate how I feel............I hate myself............I hate my life......................

Or don't I?

No one listens

Everyone tells me how or what I should feel

When I harm myself I'm calling out to you

Something is wrong

Listen to me

I'm taking control away from you

and this is what you despise

One day I'll cut too deep and you'll never see me back again 

Ooh these would make great song lyrics.............

Had first chat - will find out next week what the plan is. I did cry and don't feel safe with myself. Eek.

So, yesterday, Saturday 14th April 2012 - I tried to explain (again) to my Mother about my depression AND my recent self harming episode.

Stupidly, I expected some sympathy, a hug but no.............basically..........'this isn't you, snap out of it'.......'don't do it again or I'll be disappointed in you - if you do it again, I don't want to know'.............FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At least my gay, depressed, self harming nephew came down to Eastbourne for the day - photos to be uploaded - and understood. Both he, Paula and I + dog, went to the beach for a lovely walk. They even asked if I was ok going to the beach..........now that's love and understanding.

Today Paula is working and I'm busy round the house, getting a bit too obsessed with Iron Sky and Laibach's music therein.......hahaha

WE COME IN PEACE!

So, I had this dream where I was in a prison, sort of, it was more like a weird dog/rabbit cage.......there were others and although I felt no perceived threat from anyhone, I think it's a metaphor for my 'caged' state of mind........... I feel so repressed, deliberately so by most of the people in my life, hence why I probably want to escape the world. Maybe I should just up sticks and move away to some new place and never speak or see anyone from my old life ever again.

The mind, our need to 'escape' and how I so envy people who are able to be themselves and live free.

I will die like a mentally, creatively caged person............my spirit has been crushed by those who aspire to nothing but destroying lives.

The right to live or die is mine

The right to scratch my skin and draw my blood is mine

The right to take control away from you and return it rightfully - TO ME!